Oh, nothing, just linting my cape...

Can't sleep. And is it getting any closer to Monday? Is it FUCK!

Christ. I really need to stop fucking napping in the evening only for my mother to ruin it by calling me SEVERAL times.

I mean what could be so important that it would be enough to ruin my precious nap?

PEOPLE NEED NAPS!

Actually now I just need some sleep. Just listening to my last.fm playlist again. Which is full of shit because it won't allow you to listen to anything until you've got 15 artists in your library which is why I'm having to listen to Duran Duran right now blahing on with 'Save a Prayer' which is actually a good song if you can stomach the cheese. A bit like the entire 80's I guess.

I'm getting quite bored of all of the music on there so I'm going to have to replace it soon. I need to chuck some Ash on there. Maybe some Teenage Fanclub. Incidentally, the first single I ever bought was 'basketcase' by Green Day, but for some reason I remember more vividly the time I first heard 'Sparky's Dream' by Teenage Fanclub on The Chart Show on ITV. Then I planned my escape for the afternoon with my pocket money for which I had to iron about a million fucking shirts. I decided to run off to Weston Super Mare to buy the single on cassette. Hehehe. From 'Our Price'.

And you'd go there and a bunch of people from school would be there and you'd have to sort of pretend you weren't listening to real music but all the shit which was in the top 5 which they all loved.

I remember when I went there and Sian Williams and Daniel Ovendon were there and I was like ' Oh fuck it'. I'm quite private about my music and I suppose I always have been looking back.

It's not because I listen to shit though.

Mm.

Fuck it. It's going to be another tired day at work tomorrow. All the shitty mcshit files I have to do tomorrow too. I've got a bunch of priority litigation to deal with. Also have a default judgment on one of them which sucks to high heaven. Some people don't understand the notion of being at odds but being technically in a period of negotiation.

Wouldn't want to negotiate with someone who had a point, and was right, of course. Would they?

Today I think I caused my manager concern. By revealing that I'd learned very little since joining my team because I already made a point of knowing it all before I got there, and that some very senior people were referring to me with all their credit hire queries.

If I'm above my station you heathen wench, try and push me back down. GO ON! lol.

Anyway, time to have another cig and then lay down again and fail to sleep.

Hmm. I feel very odd today. Very odd. I suppose I'm a little bit angry, a little bit upset. At the same time as liking you a little bit and missing you not just a little bit. I miss you loads.

But when I see you..I don't know how I'm going to get it out of my head that I'm just a temporary measure until something better comes along.

I can be happy to see you. I can put on a smile, but I can't hide what is in my eyes. They're very expressive so I'm told.

I'm such a fool for you. You told me in the start that I was never going to be an important fixture in your life. And I just went along with it. I didn't know you very well then. I could take you or leave you in those days.

It's like right now, if you were here. I'd be excited because it's you, but the thought of you touching me makes my skin crawl.

I don't want anything heavy or involved. I'm on the verge of escaping that very thing and the thought of it is just amazing. I'm not in a position to want anything more at the moment. But unlike you, I don't make rules and regulations about what we will or won't mean to each other for the rest of our days.

I don't set about excluding possibilities, telling you in vague ways that if I wanted to be more meaningfully involved with anyone then it wouldn't be you, and that I'd just find someone else and then ditch you.

That is what you do. It is what you've done. And it is what you've told me. It's like a slow and burning rejection over a period of months.

Why is it that you'd rather let me think awful things about myself and what I mean to you, than actually just tell me how you're thinking/feeling?

On the edge of what is set to be the best and most free period of my life, I feel so sad.

The rules you put into place about anything, everything, and forever...are heartbreaking.

Serves me right for getting involved with someone for whom I am not and never will be, good enough. Right?

I only liked you. I only gave you my cuddles and meant every one. I only gave up my morals for you. I only accepted the fact that you'd never have any real feelings for me. I only had feelings for you and gave them selflessly and without second thought or analysis.

Was that so wrong?

And don't confuse this with me wishing I could be more involved with you. Lord knows you would be the shittiest person to actually go out with. Mostly because you're being shitty to someone else right now and showing me first hand what a nightmare it would be, and also because you're a total arse.

And don't talk to me about this until you're spoken to. I don't remember giving permission.

I really miss you so much but I'm not taking this shit lying down.

I think you might have put the final nail in the coffin with this. I think it might be over.

Hmm. Happy. And everso slightly curious. Maybe curious is the wrong word actually.

Uhm. Hehe.

I must just mention that last night I discovered some music, as you do. Last night, I heard Julian Velard for the first time and he is excellent actually.

Julian Velard - Jimmy Dean & Steve McQueen.

Enjoi.

AND SO IS THIS FUCKING CIGARETTE.

Jesus. Ok so like. There was a spider ok. But I can't actually explain how large this was. I mean for a house spider. I'm not trying to say its bigger than a tarantula or those big spider style aliens on a distant planet in Stellar 7. Ten points to anyone who remembers or played that game.

Back in the days of ye olde 3.5. It spanned 7 or possibly 9 disks. Every fucking 5 minutes....PLEASE INSERT DISK 3. NOW INSERT DISK 7. NOW BACK TO 3. THEN 2.

Good game but a bit crazy. Anyways. This spider right. It should have had its own fucking passport or something.

And to make matters worse it was perching YES PERCHING near the ceiling behind my tv where it KNEW it was safe. OH IT KNEW!

I didn't have a man in the house so I had to get the next best thing which was my ex boyfriend. He sorted it but not after loads of flapping and making me be inside the room whilst he blew on the spider coaxing it to a position where he could smash it in it's stupid arachnid face. And eyes.

So it falls on the floor dead and he picks it up with his hand...omfg. and like looks at it and i'm like WELL THANKYOU WILLEM BUT COULD WE GET RID OF IT NOW INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT IT.

I mean fuck that thing was huge. Now it feels like theres more in the room and that they're ON ME. LIKE THOSE FUCKERS ON THE BUS. ALL BEING ON ME AND SHIT. EURGH.

I need to like arrange some kind of spider proofing in the next place. Or maybe just for the next couple of weeks people COULD KEEP THE FUCKING BATHROOM WINDOW SHUT LIKE I'VE ASKED THEM TO POSSIBLY 27 OR 28 TIMES.

I was just trying to lay about listening to some nice relaxing music but NO. THERE IT WAS. PERCHING.

Now if I turn the light off all its family will come out and eat my face!

Imagine it's daddy!

AAAAAAAaaAAAAaaaahhhhhHHHhhhh...

*cough*

Pearson.

Hmm. Still a happy bunny despite certain stresses and strains and the like.

Anyway. Some things I've said have been lies. I can't say which bits. But. Hmm sometimes I say things because I am extremely frightened and scared of the consequences of telling the truth.

Another thing we have in common I guess. Hehe.

Anyway yes, there have been lies. Nothing bad or anything to worry about. Just frightened lies.

Thats all.

Wow. Well.I slept completely normally last night. How about that!..

Very unusual.

I am in my usual (of late) good mood today. Slightly narked that last.fm is NOT working today at work which means I have to listen to my music/playlists which I'm becoming bored of. I mean its all awesome music but you know, you get tired of knowing which song comes next so you put it on shuffle and even then when there are thousands of songs you'll be like 'feh' on each one. Mmm..

Oooooooh now it's working. YAY. Listening to 'beggin' by Madcon now. Not the usual sort of chavvy chart shite I'd normally listen to. It has some nice strings though actually.

There is a possibility that this is not technically allowed at work. But fuck it.

Wow clearly I'm going to have to actually purchase this Madcon album. It is actually quite good. When I say purchase, I mean download.Obviously.

Anyway.... It shall be a good day I am quite sure.

Haha. All giggly today.

Not sure why.

Whatever.

Tee Hee.

A nice bit of rascal au dizzy for you there.

Yayyyy taking me deposit round on monday night. Woot! Then I should be moving a week after that. Some old shrew from work (it is ok, I call her shrew in almost every email at work but she is a nice lady and one of my mates mum haha) is going to help me bung most of it in the car. Then I only have to pay removal peoples (who charge by the half hour, grr) to move the telly, beanbags and the table on which the TV sits.

PLAZE DON'T HURT MY TELLEE.IT IS MY BABY.

Not literally. But I love it.

YAYYYY AM ALL EXCITED AND HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Hmm I can hear the rain falling on the conservatory roof. Time for a nice relaxing bit of Jack Johnson and a litto snooze.

AAAAAAAAAhahahahahhaha.12 days to gooooooooooooooo.

Weeee!

Mmm what if you told a lie. Well not a lie. But maybe you like. Maybe you didn't know what the truth was. Maybe you still don't.

Maybe you're on your way there.

In other news, I am in a perfectly sunny mood today which is just peachycakes really since I have spent the last few weeks eating depression cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

So I decided it was a cunty step too far, to just fuck off whilst wil was at work one day and just not tell him.

So I went to his room demanding a discussion like adults. All worked out fine. We're being civil to each other and he's cool with me moving out and we'll sort out the bills and shit once the 'final bills' for this house arrive.

I'm glad.

I'm just excited now. The guilt was taking the shine off of my sunny little mood. So yes, am happy and excited. I can't wait to go.

I'm so excited. I am moving on September 5/6 and it's going to be awesome.

But I am sitting here crying on my bed. I have no money or food so Wil bought me some sandwiches and some sweets. I tried to give them back but he wouldn't take them back.

So I guess they'll rot in the fridge.

I'd rather starve than accept help from anybody. Especially him.

When I tried to give the stuff back. It was like dumping him all over again. God it hurts. I mean. I was over it before I even dumped him. But its like shooting a puppy between the eyes.

I don't deserve his help. I'm leaving owing him money for the bills which I'll have to pay the month after. I just don't get it. Why does he do this? I've told him theres a possibility I'll have to just ditch and pay him back later. He knows this. So why try and help me?

I don't do help anyway. From anyone. The moment you let someone help you, is the moment they've got something on you...to twist in you like a knife. I won't do it.

I feel so sorry for him. He goes through phases of wanting me and hating me and all I can do is nothing. I can't give him anything. I can't return his hate or offer him any feeling.

There was no feeling there to begin with.

I'VE GOT A FUCKING PLACE TO LIVE!

There are no words for how good this news is.

NO WORDS.

Moving stress. Stress of moving. It's all getting to me a slight bit. I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood or anything. I am now having to go at lunchtime halfway across southampton to see a place. Then I've got two to see in the evening but I'm not sure if I'm going to go. The rooms look nice and all and it'd be an easy walk to work but I'd live dangerously close to a certain someone I'd rather avoid. So hmm.

Spoken to a few mates about it who say I'm a twat to let that stop me moving out of this house which indeed is a living hell. But I don't know.

I'm just not sure.

And if you are reading this and you are the person in question. I don't mean avoid completely. You know that.

Just parts of me feel it would be a really bad idea for us to live close to each other. The other half of me thinks ' great. it'd be awesome I'd probably see you more than I do now, which is never ' but mm... definate reservations about it quite large in nature. For reasons I can't completely pinpoint.

The fact that I'd probably bump into you looking crappy and you'd decide I was an ugly witch, is quite a small part of my doubts about it really.

Hmm. I keep almost texting the dude to get out of it and cancel. But I mean fuck, I really want to get out of here.

What to do... what to do..

Hmm. SO. I feel quite bad because I've told Wil about 5 times that I will be moving, won't be moving, will be moving and so on.

Told him this morning that I won't be.

Oops. Got a text this morning from a woman with a room in a house which backs onto a river. Man, that would take me back to my childhood. Lived in a house which had a river at the bottom of the garden for a good chunk of my life.

Anyway. There is a 'small dog' too which is cool. You tend to get more sense out of animals than you do from humans.

And the woman has a second home in london so that should give me some time around the place to myself which is nice. Also well within my budget, it would still allow me to have about 700/800 a month to just blow on whatever the hell I like, which is nice and peachycakes.

She wants me to view between friday and sunday this weekend. I'm not sure whether to. I mean it sounds perfect. Sounds like a nice chilled middle aged woman. Says she enjoys country walks and the theatre = ALREADY HAS GREY HAIR. Which would be perfect because I think I need to live with someone pretty docile for a while.

It all sounds perfect, but my conscience says that I should stay at the current house until September to help Wil with the rent and bills and whatnot but honestly he was a REAL COCK again this morning.

Most people I've spoken to say he doesn't deserve for me to be so thoughtful about it and just to go for my own sanity.

I will probably go and see it.

Hrm.

More on that later. Or a bit later than that. Or maybe tomorrow. Or the next day.

Whenever.

Mmmm not sure about that one. Dude reminds me a lot of my brother. I think we'd get on well but ultimately end up with a clash of personality resulting in a fight inside a circle drawn in chalk in the car park.

Starving. Haven't eaten today. The only half edible thing I have is some green vegetable quiche. I mean quiche is fine. Not to Annie Mac Mac Daddy but to me its alright. But don't fuck it up with vegetables man. I like vegetables too but like... the two don't roll together.

So that will be just delightful once it comes out of the oven.

Also, since managing to shed a few pounds through being actually quite ill (silver linings and all that) it would appear I have become far more attractive to the opposite sex.

I keep thinking they're joking. Because I feel that I am fat and ugly. But I got whistled at today by some burgeoning perverts even whilst I was dressed in my daggy work clothes. And also I was paid a compliment about my new found 'less fatness' today by someone completely unexpected.

They must all be joking because secretly they see what I see, no?

Anyway, if I were to pretend anyone found me remotely attractive I suppose I would find it comforting.

Alas, I am not so foolish.

Jesus fucking wept I'm so hungry! It's hurting my stomach man seriously.

Anyway. For a laugh, go to dictionary.com and look up the word 'solutive'.

That word at the end of the description. Why? Just why?

Anyway, I'm off with my bad chops to eat my nice bland vegetable quiche (damn you Tesco's)

Man this is boring. 17:20 and I have until 7pm to sit here to wait until I can go and see this place.

Today at work was simply the dullest day ever in the history of the yooneeverse.

Annie Mac-Mac Daddy who sits next to me saw my pics on here today. She was like ' oh my gosh you take a good picture don't you '.

Lol@Annie... try telling my parents that. Haha.

Mm but yes I suppose some pictures of me are almost bearable Mrs Mac.

I've thought about actually doing some work whilst I'm sat here but the thought of it is actually causing me slight nausea at the moment so I'll just sit here typing away as if nothing is amiss.

People are sat behind me and infront of me working on claims. The same people who sit here after 5pm every night.

It feels quite depressing sitting here with them. It's like we've all got no alternative but to be at work for longer than we originally planned or anticipated.

They're all probably watching me or getting annoyed at my superhuman typing skills. I'm so quick it must sound like a fucking machine gun. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrratatatatatatatttttt...

I know they're all slightly annoyed at me for it anyway. It is basically what allows me to perch. They all sit there watching their own fingers drift towards the keyboard. Now to find the key they want to press. Hmm.. Ah yes.. there it is. Prod. Muhuhuh...

I think I can pretty much type as fast as I can speak. It's just the same to me I guess.

It allows me to complete almost double the work in half the time. I think they think it is because I put some kind of extra effort in.

More fool them.

Ann was also saying today how she doesn't like eggs. The thing is, I started the conversation. I asked Ann how she might react if I gave her an egg and cress sandwich when she was really hungry but instead of egg, it would be cement. She was like 'I'd just eat the cement because I don't like eggs'.

No Ann, you're not getting it love. Right you're REALLY hungry. I'm going to supply you with an egg and cress sandwich. By this point you'll be ok with the notion of it containing egg because you're THAT hungry. But I've tricked you! It's cement!....

She said she'd still eat it. There was a moment there where I couldn't tell if she just didn't get it or if she was just being dry. I'll go for the latter until further notice.

So anyway it got onto the foods containing egg which she will and won't eat.

She said she'd eat things with eggs in. So I asked her if she'd eat quiche. She said no. I asked her if quiche was an eggy step too far and she said it was.

This is all helping me to plan my future pranks. I might sort of force some boiled egg down her throat on the last day in work before christmas or something when everyone is being quite jovial and light hearted.

Then I explained how I don't like lemons. Or anything lemony. Lemonade is alright but lemon cake is a lemony step too far. It is.

So then I asked Smudge if I paid him ten pounds would he eat a whole jar of lemon curd at once. I said it must be continual and not just eating it throughout the day. He'd have about 4 minutes I think to eat the whole jar.

He said he would. So I will arrange that for payday.

Great.

There will be a stopwatch and everything. I will pull a Merchant of Venice style shakespearian trick on him and tell him that in order that he may collect his £10 he must eat THE WHOLE JAR OF LEMON CURD. And see how long it takes him to come to terms with the idea firstly of lateral thought, and then to work out that I want him to eat the jar too.

Obviously not in a real sense. I mean it'd be dangerous. I am told I am quite intimidating and people often do things when I say to even when I am joking. It'd cause some kind of glass eating based emergency.

I think I'll just tell him I'm joking then take him out to lunch if he's not feeling too lemony.

So I'll be sat here writing between 5 and 7 tonight. So expect a long ranty post about things which don't matter. I'm not mincing around Southampton in the rain.

The place I'm going to see is on the way home anyway so it won't take me any time to get there really.

Also ditched another viewing for this one so it had better be good!

Hmm. Well work is absolute dogshit today.

Getting stuff done but seriously my mind is not on it right now.

Just want it to be 7pm so I can go and see this place. Looks quite nice so I hope it all works out as I'm running out of time to get something sorted for moving this month.

Also. Sorry I texted you whilst you are probably asleep. Just wanted to know that you are ok and stuff. For reasons which should be obvious to you I'd just like to know you are ok as I haven't heard from you since Friday.

Can't help worrying, knowing what I know.

So I'm sorry if I woke you and I hope you are ok.

I miss you.

Wow. This finding a place to live shit can be really stressful.

Seeing a place tomorrow though which looks pretty pimp.

Keep all your collective fingers crossed for me.

OMG. There is a new EEEpc out with XP and an 80G hard drive and OMG I'M SO GOING TO BUY ONE IN SEPTEMBER.

IT WAS THE PERFECT GADGET APART FROM THE FEW MASSIVE FLAWS WHICH MADE ME RETURN IT AND SWAP IT FOR A WII.

A WII FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

NOW IT'S PERFECT.

Oh dear lord now it is so so perfect.

Ahhhh so now the truth comes out.

Anyway, moving on...

I can't actually sleep despite being stupidly tired. And good lord I have to be up early tomorrow. It is going to be a loooooong day. Feh.

Meanwhile I really need to start packing up my shit. Because I can't actually have any time off work to move and I need to pack up quite a bit of shit. Also need to pilfer some labels from work which I shall do like the sly fox that I am.

Not much other news really. Just doing that whole ' want to sleep but instead I'll just lay there thinking for 5 hours despite not really wanting to ' thing.

Also I need to trim my hair it's getting ridic.

That is all.

Ooh. Get me with my changing plans all the time.

Yes so I saw that room yesterday. It sucked. Anyway, all I want is a room in a normal house...room atleast as big as my current one if possible.

And as if by magic I go to sleep and wake up to an email about big old room in a shared house. Wicked.

Thing is, I told Wil I'd be moving in September.If I can though I'm going in 2 weeks time. Because basically he is being an especially large cunt now that I've politely asked him not to be. Which is nice.

So yes.... plans change don't they Wil me old stick.

Unlucky.

I mean seriously... GET OVER IT.

Reminds me of a song infact, and here it is.... Ok Go! - 'Get Over It'

Enjoi.Man it's a shit video. The dude really loves himself with his bad giant mouth. Twat...

Ok Wil so you're a wanker ok. I told you I'm not moving out until the end of September on the proviso that you're not a cuntlick but no. You refuse.

So you will listen to slice of audio cheese at full volume at exactly 10:10pm until further notice. Seems like a good time since that is when I know you go to sleep.

Tonight it has been 'ride on time' by Black Box.This is a song which me and Alex LOVE because of all the gay screamy parts that woman does. We sing it most lunchtimes. Usually when someone is trying to speak to us. Hope you like it Willem.

The best thing is you don't know about this blog or where it is so you'll never know my eeeevil plan. For anyone who doesn't remember this 'so bad its good' song, here it is below. Get your cringing hats on...god its so cheesy and mental I can barely stomach it.

Expect some Dee-lite tomorrow. Nightcrawlers by Sunday.

You'll wish you never met me you STAIN!

Regards,

Going to see a place tomorrow which I may possibly move into in a couple of weeks.

So many gadgets. Cable spaghetti. I need me some labels don't I. Mm.

So the place looks kinda good. It's not in the bit of town I thought it'd be in but its a massive room and in an area where no chavs hang about so it's all good. Also its the master bedroom which has the master bathroom inside it which is AWESOME. Because everyone else in the house has a normal en suite whilst I will have a bath and a shower. Muhuh.

It is also like 5 minutes walk from work which is pretty cakey.

Also I'll have use of the on-site gym for free. And I'm glad I've seen pics because I had visions of some pissy treadmill in someones garage. But it is a full on rawkin gym which will help with my shameless vanity and the conflicts between this vanity and my awful body.

To move out this month I will have to use all my wages and probably starve for a month. I should just about be able to smoke for the month, but not eat. But I can probably get enough milk and teabags etc. I can do it right?

COME ON PEARSON! OF COURSE YOU CAN!...

I know it isn't sensible but jesus fucking christ I have GOT to get out of here.

The Pearson Freedom Parade commences bank holiday monday in the middle of town. Nobody diminutive and no clowns please, thankyou.

There has been news.

That is all.