Oh, nothing, just linting my cape...

God dammit I'm about to have another nervous breakdown.

Shit.

Feel a bit non plussed about that. I can tell you that for nothing.

I love you and I don't want to lose you. But you're pushing me away.

Thats it.

Alright?

I'm going to be sensible about this. I'm not a lovesick teenager.

I don't look it, but it's time to act like I'm 27. Because I am. I'll likely never grow up properly. I'll always love toys that 'do stuff' and gadgets and games and the like.

But if my mother were to give me any advice right now, it would be that it is time to be an adult. To be a woman with a bit of oomph. To be as strong as she raised me to be.

I am so afraid. I can admit that. I've never known anyone like you before. Ever. You don't have to be doing anything amazingly interesting to hold my attention. You don't have to 'be' any certain way. You just being you, somehow I find it captivating. Because you're you.

I know you don't think you're worth it. I will give you chance after chance, beyond what you deserve. Because I think you're brilliant and I love you.

I miss being near you. Turning over when I sleep and your warm and cuddly cuddles being there on the other side.

I keep thinking about that last time we were asleep together. It was so nice. I loved falling asleep in your arms.

It doesn't sound important. And its not everything. But it is a hell of a lot to lose.

I am afraid.

Ok so I've come to the conclusion that I understand very little about me. Hehehe.

Since Sunday when I became aware of what was going on in the vaguest way ever, I have had some difficult feelings about it.

I've felt distant from you. Which I understand given the circumstances. I know you're doing the right thing and I don't want you to give up on it.

But it has been a difficult few days for me really. And I hate to remember how difficult it is for you right now, from my own experience. But I do realise how tough it is. I really do.

I know you're probably in a place where you feel that nobody can reaaaally understand what you're going through or feeling. But I do.

But you seemed more like you yesterday like I said. You just seemed like you where previously, since Sunday you hadn't seemed like you at all. Or atleast there was something stopping me from feeling close to you.

But I guess you seem like you now, which has brought my feelings for you I suppose out of 'hibernation'.

I had been troubled by my own feelings prior to this. They had made me scared. Because before all this, when I thought of you or cuddling you or just being in your company I always got this nice feeling inside me about it. Often shouldering on naughty feelings. Hehe.

But the last few days when I thought of cuddles or kissing you or whatever, I knew I wanted to do it again but didn't have that feeling inside me.

That worried me. But last night I laid in bed and thought about it and that nice feeling came back. The slight dizzyness the thought of you brings. The excitement of knowing you.

I'm sorry if I wasn't supportive in those few days. I should have been moreso.

You've no need to kidnap my teddy bear in order to see me when it's all been sorted out. All you have to do is ask. I'll be there with open arms, and Pearson tea.

I like thinking of you again. Thankyou.

Pearson.x

What a strange feeling I have in me at the moment. Everything is changing inside work, outside of work, and in every other little corner of my life.

It'd be alright if I knew what was on the other side.

Work is just a nightmare. I'm clearly going to have to fight tooth and nail to get back into my old team. I'm tired though, JUST LET ME GO. PLEASE.

I can literally only take this crap for another couple of weeks really.

And you. You're changing. We're changing. It's changing. I hope that when we emerge out of this dark little tunnel we're in, that we find that things have changed for the better.

I told you I can't feel my feelings for you. But I know I love you. In my head the idea of just laying down with you having a little cuddle is so nice. But in my heart I can't feel it at the moment. That fuzzy feeling I used to get when I thought of you or us all cuddled up. It's covered up with fear and those thoughts just give me a stomach ache.

I feel like I can't say anything or do anything at the moment without seeming like I have some selfish ulterior motive. Which I can assure you is not the case. And I probably seem cold and calculating and analytical and harsh and unfeeling. I guess because I feel so blank.

Underneath all the fear and worry and nervousness, the me you used to cuddle is still there with open arms though. She's just taken a sebatical whilst things are being sorted out.

I explained to you in the start that sometimes I seem a bit robotic. Emotionally. And I'm not sure if you ever believed me really. You'd no need to, I'd never been like that with you. I hope you can understand it now.

I remember when you were talking to me. When we talked. And you said 'sorry I can't be as cold and analytical as you about it'. And I felt bad.

I wasn't trying to be that way. I needed to stay strong so that you could get the things you needed to get out, out of you. If I'd cried, and good lord I felt like crying. If I had, we'd have both just ended up an emotional mess, resolving nothing. Talking about nothing.

I was trying to help you.

I feel like this stuff which is happening. Like what is going on, marks a new phase of my life. A new phase without you in it. I just hope my feeling on that is wrong.

I miss you.

Please don't confuse anything I'm feeling, for me not caring. I do care. Nothing about my feelings for you has changed. It's still there. It's just resting for a while.

I hope you can keep strong and sort things out. You deserve it. I suppose I'm just scared that afterwards you might decide you don't want me in your life either. If that happens I will deal with it as it comes. But I am afraid of it. I can't deny that.

Please keep going. For yourself and nobody else. Please please keep going. Be strong. You've got it in you.

Your courage shall be rewarded with Pearson tea should you require it. Hows that for an incentive. Lol. Hehe.

Chin up cuddlypants. I don't know what you're doing, but I know you're doing it well.

Thinking of you.

So. You need space while you sort things out. It's fair enough. But makes it feel like we've parted company for good or something. Like it's me you're breaking up with, not her. And we're not even going out, i'm single for goodness sakes.

But it does feel like that.

I hope you don't pass up this opportunity to put things right. It'll be such a massive victory for you. I hope you don't let the opportunity go, for your sake.No matter how sad or stressful it feels. It is only that way short term. The alternative is long term misery. So. Go for it cuddlypants. Put into it everything you've got. Every ounce of courage, every kind word i've ever given you. Use it all up to get your life back.

You might not even want to know me or to see me afterwards.Do it for you, and nobody else. You deserve so much to be happy and free.

I miss you already.

You can do this. You are in my thoughts. And I'm hoping hard for you. Trying to think you through the difficult times with whatever strength and comfort I can send.

I know you can do it.

Don't give in. Don't let it go. You can fix everything in a single action.

I know how hard it is. I do. But it will make me so proud of you, as someone who knows you.

Repair yourself. Fix your life. Please.

I love you.

I think its like verbal crying. What I do. I can bleed it all out day after day, and not a single tear would fall down my face.

I do cry about things sometimes. When it goes that far I just sit. And cry.

But nothing is ever resolved from this verbal version I do on msn all the time. The hurt is always there. I'll let it all out one day. And I'll do it again the next. Because it hasn't gone.

I don't want to do that to you. You say you deserve it all. But you really don't. You deserve all the best things in life. And me explaining my pain away isn't one of those things.

I just want you to know and I wish you knew. That. Well. I don't know. I hope and pray to anything and everything I don't believe in that we can spend time with each other one day without this situation on top of us, infront of us, everywhere we look.

I'm really rather good company. And quite relaxed about things.

I think I spend a lot of my time convincing myself there is no point to any of it. Because I am scared. Its like all the times I ever wanted anything, the minute you believe it could happen, it never does.

And if you convince yourself it won't, well maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe not, but you might be prepared.

I just love you and its really hard to think that I might have to cut you right off in 3 weeks. Even the possibility of having to do it hurts.

You can say I'm thinking about it too much all you want. That its too important to me. That I shouldn't care as much. You can say it until you're blue in the face. It won't make a difference.

I would like to know what it is like to know you without having to constantly look over my shoulder.

I would really like to do that. The idea that I might not get the chance does make me sad.

And I know you're trying. I really really do know you are. And I try to kind of 'think' strength to you every single day. And all my kisses and cuddles.

I find it confusing sometimes. I've never felt like this about anyone. It doesn't mean I'm boiling up a nice old pan of water so I can get my rabbit awn. It's not like that.

I just want to cuddle you and see you smile. And to smile back. And for it to be a complete smile. Not mostly smile with a bit of sadness.

Every time I mention 'afterwards' you say ' if I don't do it by the 28th' as if you're definately going to do it by then and that I am simply insane not to concur.

I don't know why you're like this. Because you've no plan. Of what to do or how to do it. And if I asked you, you'd say 'I don't know'. So I find that hard.

Really and truly its none of my business. And you say it is. But well, it isn't.

You know I've never spent a moment in your company and not enjoyed it. Never.

And I'm sorry I woke you up to look at the snow that time. I just wanted to look at the snow with you. I knew it would make a nice memory of you, for me. Which it did. I am sorry I woke you up though. I knew you liked the snow too. Thought you'd like to see it.

I've never seen snow falling that hard before. I am glad I saw it with you.

I know I keep going on about it. But you were so brave talking to me. Even if you didn't look at me. I know how hard you find it to talk. Just for you to be able to say the things you did is a massive achievement for you. It really is.

And you said you'd never opened up to anyone like that before. It brings a tear to my eye to think that it was me you opened up to. I know it sounds stupid or cheesy or pathetic. But I am so honoured you'll just never know.

There was a time when you thought you could never open up to anyone. Not even me. But you did. You tried and you did. I think you can probably see what I'm inferring here.

If you try to do something even though its scary, you can do it. You're so so capable of it. Which I guess is why I find it so frustrating. You're more than capable.

I believe in you as a person so much. If someone asked me to place a bet on you, I would put everything I own on betting that you could do it. Whatever it was. Anything.

I don't want to push you away. Or make you think less of me. It always makes me cry to think of me being sad making you think less of me.

And I panic because I think that I might lose you.

The snow always reminds me of you now. So does lego star wars. And wipeout. And Bear.

Lots of things remind me of you. They all make me smile.

I'm so sorry for when I am sad.

I love you enough not to take your freedom. I promise. I promise on my life.

Be happy.

Pearson.x

I'm so much more nervous now that I know you mean what you say.

I don't know how that works but I guess before, I was resigned to the fact that nothing would happen. So I didn't have the stress of hoping.

I sat on my beanbag this morning with my cuppa tea and rolling up me cigs as I do every morning. And I thought about when we were playing lego star wars and I kept running forward so that you'd fall off the edge. And we both laughed. Was thinking about it for a minute or so then realised I had the biggest smile on my face.

On Saturday it will be 3 weeks to go.

I do believe in you so much I can't even explain. And I know deep down inside me, that you are capable of doing this. You deserve it. You deserve your life back.

Like I said to you, don't sit around wallowing and thinking everything is your fault. Think of such things as things you can fix. Because you can you know.

It's true I've been through a lot of pain with this thing. If you were to ask me what you could do to make it up to me, I'd say ' make yourself happy '. Thats all.

I'll never take your freedom. I want you to keep it.

Even though I believe in you like this, it still makes me nervous. A bit like half an hour before you go into an exam you know full well you're going to more than likely pass and then some. Still get that feeling in your tummy.

I don't know how to explain anything I'm feeling at the moment. For once, I can't explain in any concise or coherant way.

It's just a mess of thoughts and nerves.

I hope you know that whatever you needed after you've done it. I'll be there if its me that you need. If you want to come cuddle but not talk. I'll be there. If you want to just sit in my room with me and not cuddle. I'm there. If you want to just play silly computer games with me and smile and laugh and relax. I'm there for that too.

You're not alone.

I think your best course of action is to ask that friend of yours to visit you. And then explain to him.

3 weeks to go. It's going so fast.

Don't lay down and take it, stand up for what is yours. Don't just try. Don't think about it. Please do it.

You're so much more than all of this.

There aren't really any words for how proud I am of you. The hardest thing for you to do is talk and open up. And you did it all night.

And it wasn't so bad was it? I hope maybe it made you see that saying the things you need to, to whoever needs to hear it doesn't always have to be so bad.

It gave me belief that you mean what you say, and that you're going to do something about the situation. I still go over it all in my mind but I believe in you.

I did before but like, you can't get any meaning from anything on msn. It's like, how can you know someone means it? I know you mean it now.

It has helped a lot. I don't know about you, but it feels like we're a lot closer now I guess.

When you felt so sad and was all teary and stuff I just wanted to hold you and tell you that I love you. But I couldn't. Not because I don't. I'm just not ready to say it out loud and I'm sorry that might sound childish.

But I felt it. Thats what matters. I don't know I feel protective of you. And not in a stifling way. Just that when you find something hard like talking and stuff and you get sad I just want to make it all better.

I just felt like I needed to write something down. It's like you gave me a glimpse of the insides of you. Your insides are for want of a better word, beautiful.

I only think more of you for all of it. I don't think less of you for anything you said or anything you could say.

I love you. I really hope this is not the end of us.

Get your life back. You can do it. I know you've got it in you.

Please.

I've got about seven minutes to rant to within an inch of my life.

I'm standing in Gamestation yesterday and some fucking spod behind the counter is blahing on to some customer who didn't care about how the xbox 360 is the only console anyone should buy and how the ps3 is so awful because it's more expensive.

He was saying that you have to ' mess around ' for ' ages ' with the ps3's online stuff. Which is a load of bollocks because it is the simplest online gaming system I've ever actually seen. In addition, ITS FREE. I had a 360 for ages and I never got it online because I begrudged paying 50 quid for a bloody stupid dongle and all the hassle that went along with xbox live.

So the customer basically said this to the guy and he's like ' ahhhh but with the ps3 you have to buy a headset ' . Yeah man. About 20 quid. AND its bluetooth.

Listen up losertron, its not everyone elses fault you can't afford a PS3. Because you work in a games shop. I wish I could have the fun of working in a games shop but no, I have a proper job. And that is why I can afford any console I want.

I don't believe you've actually spent any time with a PS3 because if you had, you'd know it was the best thing out there at the moment. I hate sony as a company but their machine is an absolute dream to own. And I've owned all 3. Traded them all in once I had the PS3 though because I simply needed nothing else.

GOD. IT WAS SO ANNOYING. LET PEOPLE BUY WHAT THEY WANT.

Cheap ass fuckstain!

Rant over.