I think its like verbal crying. What I do. I can bleed it all out day after day, and not a single tear would fall down my face.

I do cry about things sometimes. When it goes that far I just sit. And cry.

But nothing is ever resolved from this verbal version I do on msn all the time. The hurt is always there. I'll let it all out one day. And I'll do it again the next. Because it hasn't gone.

I don't want to do that to you. You say you deserve it all. But you really don't. You deserve all the best things in life. And me explaining my pain away isn't one of those things.

I just want you to know and I wish you knew. That. Well. I don't know. I hope and pray to anything and everything I don't believe in that we can spend time with each other one day without this situation on top of us, infront of us, everywhere we look.

I'm really rather good company. And quite relaxed about things.

I think I spend a lot of my time convincing myself there is no point to any of it. Because I am scared. Its like all the times I ever wanted anything, the minute you believe it could happen, it never does.

And if you convince yourself it won't, well maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe not, but you might be prepared.

I just love you and its really hard to think that I might have to cut you right off in 3 weeks. Even the possibility of having to do it hurts.

You can say I'm thinking about it too much all you want. That its too important to me. That I shouldn't care as much. You can say it until you're blue in the face. It won't make a difference.

I would like to know what it is like to know you without having to constantly look over my shoulder.

I would really like to do that. The idea that I might not get the chance does make me sad.

And I know you're trying. I really really do know you are. And I try to kind of 'think' strength to you every single day. And all my kisses and cuddles.

I find it confusing sometimes. I've never felt like this about anyone. It doesn't mean I'm boiling up a nice old pan of water so I can get my rabbit awn. It's not like that.

I just want to cuddle you and see you smile. And to smile back. And for it to be a complete smile. Not mostly smile with a bit of sadness.

Every time I mention 'afterwards' you say ' if I don't do it by the 28th' as if you're definately going to do it by then and that I am simply insane not to concur.

I don't know why you're like this. Because you've no plan. Of what to do or how to do it. And if I asked you, you'd say 'I don't know'. So I find that hard.

Really and truly its none of my business. And you say it is. But well, it isn't.

You know I've never spent a moment in your company and not enjoyed it. Never.

And I'm sorry I woke you up to look at the snow that time. I just wanted to look at the snow with you. I knew it would make a nice memory of you, for me. Which it did. I am sorry I woke you up though. I knew you liked the snow too. Thought you'd like to see it.

I've never seen snow falling that hard before. I am glad I saw it with you.

I know I keep going on about it. But you were so brave talking to me. Even if you didn't look at me. I know how hard you find it to talk. Just for you to be able to say the things you did is a massive achievement for you. It really is.

And you said you'd never opened up to anyone like that before. It brings a tear to my eye to think that it was me you opened up to. I know it sounds stupid or cheesy or pathetic. But I am so honoured you'll just never know.

There was a time when you thought you could never open up to anyone. Not even me. But you did. You tried and you did. I think you can probably see what I'm inferring here.

If you try to do something even though its scary, you can do it. You're so so capable of it. Which I guess is why I find it so frustrating. You're more than capable.

I believe in you as a person so much. If someone asked me to place a bet on you, I would put everything I own on betting that you could do it. Whatever it was. Anything.

I don't want to push you away. Or make you think less of me. It always makes me cry to think of me being sad making you think less of me.

And I panic because I think that I might lose you.

The snow always reminds me of you now. So does lego star wars. And wipeout. And Bear.

Lots of things remind me of you. They all make me smile.

I'm so sorry for when I am sad.

I love you enough not to take your freedom. I promise. I promise on my life.

Be happy.

Pearson.x