What a strange feeling I have in me at the moment. Everything is changing inside work, outside of work, and in every other little corner of my life.

It'd be alright if I knew what was on the other side.

Work is just a nightmare. I'm clearly going to have to fight tooth and nail to get back into my old team. I'm tired though, JUST LET ME GO. PLEASE.

I can literally only take this crap for another couple of weeks really.

And you. You're changing. We're changing. It's changing. I hope that when we emerge out of this dark little tunnel we're in, that we find that things have changed for the better.

I told you I can't feel my feelings for you. But I know I love you. In my head the idea of just laying down with you having a little cuddle is so nice. But in my heart I can't feel it at the moment. That fuzzy feeling I used to get when I thought of you or us all cuddled up. It's covered up with fear and those thoughts just give me a stomach ache.

I feel like I can't say anything or do anything at the moment without seeming like I have some selfish ulterior motive. Which I can assure you is not the case. And I probably seem cold and calculating and analytical and harsh and unfeeling. I guess because I feel so blank.

Underneath all the fear and worry and nervousness, the me you used to cuddle is still there with open arms though. She's just taken a sebatical whilst things are being sorted out.

I explained to you in the start that sometimes I seem a bit robotic. Emotionally. And I'm not sure if you ever believed me really. You'd no need to, I'd never been like that with you. I hope you can understand it now.

I remember when you were talking to me. When we talked. And you said 'sorry I can't be as cold and analytical as you about it'. And I felt bad.

I wasn't trying to be that way. I needed to stay strong so that you could get the things you needed to get out, out of you. If I'd cried, and good lord I felt like crying. If I had, we'd have both just ended up an emotional mess, resolving nothing. Talking about nothing.

I was trying to help you.

I feel like this stuff which is happening. Like what is going on, marks a new phase of my life. A new phase without you in it. I just hope my feeling on that is wrong.

I miss you.

Please don't confuse anything I'm feeling, for me not caring. I do care. Nothing about my feelings for you has changed. It's still there. It's just resting for a while.

I hope you can keep strong and sort things out. You deserve it. I suppose I'm just scared that afterwards you might decide you don't want me in your life either. If that happens I will deal with it as it comes. But I am afraid of it. I can't deny that.

Please keep going. For yourself and nobody else. Please please keep going. Be strong. You've got it in you.

Your courage shall be rewarded with Pearson tea should you require it. Hows that for an incentive. Lol. Hehe.

Chin up cuddlypants. I don't know what you're doing, but I know you're doing it well.

Thinking of you.

Pearson.x