Oh, nothing, just linting my cape...

Hmm small window of time before my keyboard breaks yet again. Thought I'd use it to write.

I just want to say sorry that I feel so sad about things. I've said it hundreds of times. But yes ok you're just one part of my life, or were. But you were such a happy smiley part of it. And now it's gone it just makes me feel so sad.

I hate myself so much that I can not give you the right kind of help. And that I just seem all sad all the time. Can't really help it.

I don't underestimate the kind of hell you're going through though. You can't even be yourself in your own home. Like...I dunno I know what that is like and I know how important it is to me to be myself and how it crawls up my skin when I can't be. So I do have sympathy for your situation.

I want to be good for you. I really do. This is not who I really am. All this sadness and pain. I seem to make a lot of people smile and laugh and stuff. I seem to be loads of fun to most people. It is a shame if you haven't seen that.

I like to go around thinking I know everything and I've got all the answers I need for myself but I don't. I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let go of you. And I know you'll let go eventually and that scares me because I know I'll be left wanting you. But I also don't want to cause you pain. I hate myself so much when things I say make you feel bad.

I still think you're so lovely. You're like the most wonderful thing that has walked into my life, and walked out of it.

Better to have loved and lost eh? I don't think so. If this is how it feels. I just don't think so.

I try not to think about you and stuff but then it just pops into my mind. I remember how it was to be all smiley laing in your arms. The cuddles and the laughs and the smiles. I can't believe it's gone now. Just like that.

There are lots of bits to my life. But there are other parts I'd rather lose. Some bits of it I wouldn't miss. But I will miss you forever.

Call me dramatic or 'thinky'. But I really will miss you always.

I can't lie. I felt like the happiest girl alive to be laying there with you.

Sorry if that makes you think less of me. I really never know the right things to say.

I guess I just have to be me.

I always felt so lucky when you said you felt relaxed with me. I dunno its like, I know you find it hard to relax and like. I just felt like there was something nice about me, to enable you to do that in my company.

I think I miss you so much more because I know it's over. Looking ahead to day after day of missing you. It's so hard and so scary.

I know you probably don't feel like that about my departure. Perhaps it's not so bad although how you describe how you're feeling is frighteningly close to how I am feeling too.

I wish we could cuddle and smile together again.

I keep thinking about that moment when you were there and I was cuddling you and you were kinda half awake and I kissed your nose and you had your eyes shut and you smiled a bit. Moments like that seem to make me fall slightly more in love with you every time they happen.

I can't believe we're going to let that slip away. It isn't right.

I'm thinking of you.

In a funny way, even though it's over, I hope I am not driving you away with my sadness. How I was the last few times we saw each other. That's the real Pearson.

I miss you so much.

It's 03:36 in the morning. It's about ten hours since I ignored that text you sent me. You probably think I don't care or that I'm simply not thinking of you.Nothing could be further from the truth. I can't stop thinking about you.

I'll sleep during the day which will fuck up my Sunday night sleep nightmare anyway, but I really don't care.

You think I think about things too much or feel too 'strongly' about things. I'm not all highly strung and dramatic. I just love you. Why can't you see that?

When you love someone, and that person isn't there anymore there is a feeling of loss. I feel that now. It's one of the most painful things ever.

It would be different if you wanted me to get out of your life. Or if I wanted you out of mine. But we don't. It's so unfair it is just heartbreaking.

When I was at mums. I was sat crying on mums sofa. She picked out a pair of socks from her drawer. And peeled the top back to reveal a name tag sewn in. Eric Pearson, my grandfather. ' You need to ask this man ' she said.

I'm not a believer in god or religion. He certainly was. I'm not but I'm not averse to remaining open minded about things I don't understand. I understand religion alright and it's a crock of steaming shit. But there might be something to be said for people who kinda watch over you. When they pass away. I've always affectionatly hoped that even though I don't even really believe that, that if I did it would be Mr Eric Pearson.

I was in awe of him as a child. He was calm in everything he did. Through the most panicworthy of situations. He had a serenity about him I've never known anywhere else. He bled this serenity and grace into his surroundings and the people who surrounded him.

He showed me what it what a good father was. I always longed to see him more often. He wasn't the cuddly type. Didn't shower me with hugs. Didn't need to. He'd ask me if I wanted to go and listen to radio 4 in his office with him. He said he'd open up all his letters and I could sit in the rocking chair.

When you're a child I suppose you don't realise qualities like grace and dignity in people. I don't know maybe I did but I always felt he had a great deal to teach me. To teach anyone.

So if I had to choose someone to watch over me and whatnot, it would be him. Mum said to ask him. To help. With things. I said to her ' oh but its not supposed to be important. We're not supposed to care about each other. If I ask grandpa I'm just being mental or something '.

She said to me ' you're sat here crying on my sofa because you care about someone. don't tell me that caring is a bad thing. don't tell it to your grandfather either. just ask him.'

Truth is I already had. I've asked him to help me out before and the help usually comes one way or another. But I've been asking him for help with this for months. Nothing. I told mum this, she said ' it might not always be when you want it. but it will come. stay strong and see it through'.

I say to her ' I've been strong mum. I'm tired now '. She said ' I know you are love. I know ' and gave me a cuddle. She's not all bad.

Am I to feel that I'm as bad as the one you want to get rid of because I simply can't stop thinking of you? That doesn't seem fair. I've lost you. I'm going to think about you aren't I?

It doesn't make me the same as her.

I miss you so much already. I suppose that is wrong too.But I can't help it. Knowing the number of days ahead where I'm going to have to ignore you. Which will hurt so much you can't possibly imagine how much. Then one day I won't have to ignore you. Because you'll give up. Stop texting me. Stop emailing me. One day you'll just stop. Then it will hurt even more. Because I'll know you've let go. I'll know you've let go of me, and what was between us.

There is nothing better than holding you. Cuddling you. I can't describe it. There is just nothing else like that.

I wish I could protect you from any pain any of this is causing you.

You really scared me the other day when you talked about disappearing from everyone so you wouldn't hurt them. I end up not being able to sleep at night because I'm worried you'll do something to yourself or just disappear? And if you did. I'd never forgive you. And I'd know that I had meant nothing to you.

I'd hope that if you ever reached the point of despairing like that, that you'd just come and lay here in my arms until you felt ok. I wouldn't care how long it took. You could just lay here in silence if you wanted until you were ok. But you can't possibly imagine how much you've frightened me by saying that. You just can't.

Please promise me you'll be ok? Please?

Can't you see how afraid I am? I can't stand the thought of losing you. And I probably already have.

It's so painful its like a physical pain in my chest. The aching of loss. I can't explain.Hard to explain.

Please realise that every time I don't reply to you and don't respond to you, it breaks my heart. Please realise this. I don't want you to stop because I feel like I need to know you're ok. But. It hurts that I can't respond.

You'll be thinking now ' well you're choosing not to respond '.Can't you see why? Please understand I don't want it this way.

You say I've given you so much. And that one day you hope you can give some of it back. You owe me nothing, but the time for you to stop taking and start giving, has come. Please do what is right. I miss you so so much.

Please.

I am thinking of you as always.

And as always, I love you.

I sat crying on my bed for around 20 minutes this evening. You texted me simply saying 'X'.

I cried because I knew I could and should not respond.

It hurts more than you'll ever know not to return your kisses and to ignore you.

More than you'll ever know.

Obviously a natural time for me to write. Apparently you love me. I love you more than you'll ever know now. We didn't say goodbye. But we both know we won't talk now.

Don't give up. Just because we won't be talking, it doesn't mean I'm giving up on you. I just can't be around to see it anymore. I'm tired of trying, I need you to take over.

As I contemplate not ever seeing you or hearing from you again, images and feelings flood into my mind. Like how your lips feel when you kiss mine so softly as if you mean it. How you looked when you were standing by my window looking outside whilst drinking that tea I made you. God you looked sexy standing there.

I remember silly things like how it felt when you were cuddling me and there was no sound but the rain outside the window. I know I remember details well. And I'm sorry I'm not an obsessive freak. I just have an excellent memory for detail.

Like I remember that when I was at school I wasn't allowed to go on any school trips. So I did maths all week on my own in the classroom. Teacher popping in and out. I was young. About 7. I had to work through the coloured cards full of sums. By each colour the sums became progressivly harder. The colours went in this order, from easier to hardest. Pink, red, yellow, green, light blue, dark blue, orange, and purple. I just remember stuff ok? It doesn't mean I'm a weirdo it's just I was born with a good memory.

I remember how I'd try to stop you tickling me, but secretly I really loved it when you did that. I remember catching glimpses, little flashes of your smile. I remember holding you in my arms and resting my head on yours and how lovely your hair felt. Like the cuddliest fur. Hehe. And I remember I saw the little tiny gray hairs you've got and thinking they're so damn cute.

Your socks were odd. You told me and wiggled your toes and it made me smile. I like that you wear odd socks. Fight the power, yo.

I remember how when you stayed over, and I got out of bed to get ready for work, you said 'it smells nice on your pillow where you've been' and then you cuddled it and dozed some more.

I remember every single time you've kissed my forehead during sex. It always made me feel wanted. Like I was more to you than just a friend to have a go on.

I remember this time when, I dunno what I was saying but I got a bit muddled with what I was saying and you were laughing at me and then I laughed at me. Hehehe. I felt embarassed but was glad I made you smile. Made us both smile.

I remember the first cup of tea I made you. I was annoyed because I thought I'd put in too much milk. And I probably had, but you said you liked it anyway and I was pleased. After going on so much about how great my tea was.

I remember this time when you stayed at mine after you'd been on nights. I remember waiting in my pyjama's. I watched Pingu for a bit and then Noddy. Noddy stole a pot of gold from the end of a rainbow and they all made him take it back because no rainbows made everyone sad. I was like ' dude keep the money, fuck them, go to vegas or something'. But he took it back. Anyway I was waiting. And you arrived and we cuddled and whatnot and you were so tired. And you fell asleep. We both did. I woke up a bit. And when I did you ran your fingers down my spine and started kissing me. I don't think either of us were properly awake and I didn't even really open my eyes. But I remember thinking 'wow' when it happened. It was so nice.

Because you really didn't have to kiss me that time. I had my eyes shut. Nothing was amiss. You could have not kissed me without consequence. But because you did, it seemed like you wanted to.

I remember how gorgeous you looked that day I heard about the redundancies at work. I was safe people, thanks for asking, been there done that seeya. Anyway, I for some reason texted alex saying ' if anything goes down at work today let me know' which I don't think I told you but it is funny because 30 minutes later we were all at risk of redundancy. I'd taken that thursday off. Because it was the day I was to receive my much awaited copy of Lego Indiana Jones. Hehehe.

I remember feeling so dumb because I couldn't work out how to kill that baddy even though I've done the exact same task in a gazillion levels of Lego Star Wars. I think I was nervous because you were there. Anyway you did it for me. Sat naked on the corner of my bed while I spoke to Alex. You looked so cute.

And you kept saying you looked a mess that day. I remember it was the first time I'd seen you with some kind of facial hair. Hehehe. And I think it was windy and your hair was a bit longer cos it had all been blown about a bit and I swear to whatever lives in the sky controlling things, I had never seen you look so sexy as you did that day.

Then each time I saw you, you seemed to get hotter and hotter to me. And still do. I swear you get more gorgeous every time I see you.

I remember the first time you came to my house. I was playing pop n drop on my pc and also playing lego star wars on my xbox 360. We were talking about the moral upheaval of becoming involved with each other despite you already being attached, albeit grudgingly and somewhat loosely.

You said to me ' well how about I kiss you and we'll see how that feels ' and you did. And it felt lovely. I was pretty helpless to your charms from then on in really.

And I remember the first time you ever kissed me. At the pub. On March 28th last year. Yeah, leave it, memory for detail again. Well, I deliberately remembered that. That kiss was so lovely I wanted to remember what day it happened even if you didn't want to see me again.

First mistake of course was that I was already tipsy when you turned up. I saw you walking towards me and I really thought ' shit you're lovely. you're going to hate me. ok pearson lets just get this over with'.

Then I braced myself. It was a pleasant chat out there in the garden. Pleasant and nonchalant I guess. You made some remark about us ending up shagging or something and you have no idea how much I wanted to just jump your fucking bones right there and then.

You hugged me and then you said ' im going to be a cheeky bastard now' and then you kissed me. I couldn't stop smiling that whole night. I went for a curry with about 10 of my mates after you'd left. Couldn't concentrate. Went home after and spoke to you on msn. Still smiling.

I remember you telling me to stop worrying about my hair because even if I woke up with terrible bed hair you'd still want to 'jump me'. I thought it was cute.

I remember watching you sleeping. You look so perfect laying there all relaxed. I love it that you feel relaxed when you're with me. As I know getting enough time to yourself to actually relax is an issue for you. So I always loved it when you said you felt relaxed with me. And as you slept I would sneak little peeks at you. Just made me want to cuddle you all up.

I remember all the little pictures you drew for me on msn. You drew me one today where it was a little hug picture and you said I was the glint in your eye. If I had heartstrings, good lord it tugged them.

Almost made me cry.

I remember one time you stayed over and I showed you that gadget I bought which made stars all go on the roof of my room. We watched south park that night. The one with the Kuriks. Hahaha. Poo = Katy Kuriks. Hah. Yeah. I remember as we watched it you held my hand under the blanket and you stroked my hand with your fingers. Another thing where you didn't have to. Weren't expected to. But it felt so nice that you did.

We stayed up talking til like 5am that night. And I dunno what time it was but during these hours of chit chattering we sat up on my bed and smoked. Both starkers. You looked gorgeous. And you were telling me stuff about your parents/family and stuff and I felt priveleged that you trusted me enough to tell me anything about anything really. And the only light in the room was from our cigarettes. But it was enough to see how lovely you looked sitting cross legged on my bed smoking with me.

Remember how I used to tap your head to try and annoy you? Yeah, didn't work out. That same night it was the first time I felt brave enough to stroke your hair and play with it whilst you dozed off to sleep. I dunno its just something I like to do. Feels nice.

I remember that night you came around on a sunday. I think we hadn't seen each other for around 3 months. You asked me a question. You said 'did you really want this again?' and i said yes and you said ' why when I am so bad?' ..I shook my head and didn't answer you.

The answer was.... because I love you.

Don't you ever tell me that I only remember the bad stuff.

I'm thinking of you.

To let you read this place. I've thought about it many times, but worrying that you'll think I think about you too much. Or I'm too I dunno, somethingy...

But. You still seem to be under this ludicrous impression that there is nothing good about you. I asked you about it, I asked you why you think that and you said ' Because there isn't '. It's so sad that you think that about yourself. Because as I have said in previous posts, I think you're lovely inside and out and I don't think there is anything you could do to change my mind.

I'm so scared that you think I'm clingy like her if I so much as think about you or write down how I feel or anything like that. The fear of this all but suffocates me.

But I do think of you and hope you're ok and send cuddles and kisses and the like. And I do hope that if you read this, and I know it might be boring, that you'll realise why it is I care about you so much.

And why it is that I really really want you to be happy so very much. And I'd love to see you with your freedom and your life back in your own hands to do as you please. Nothing would put a bigger smile on my face even if you didn't want me in your life.

I hope that when you get your life back, that you enjoy it as much as you can and that you start to see how wonderful you are. And that your life is full of smiles and laughs and good times. And I'll always hope for that for you even if I'm not part of it.

I hope that once you're free, you stay that way for the rest of your life and only do the things that make you happy.

I meant it when I said you were the loveliest person I've ever met.

I hope that doesn't make you scared of me.

I hope that if you read what I've written in this place that it will by some miracle show you that there are things about you which make it all worth it. Because you're worth so much. You'll never even know.

And I hope you don't think less of me for what I've written here.

I guess I just hope, generally.

Hm well kenya believe it. I have discovered some music today by 'The Vitamin String Quartet' which I urge everyone to listen to for it is the proverbial shit.

Moving on. I have such a shitty cold it is unnnnbelievable. However, I had some lovely cuddles today so it doesn't matter about the cold really.

It's 51 days to go. My bed smells of your cuddles but I can't smell it anymore because my nose is all blocked up.

51 days until no more cuddles. God the thought of it makes me feel sick.I've got nothing to lose anymore so I might as well say exactly how I feel. Losing you will be nigh on the worst thing that has ever happened.

Sometimes you say things to me as if you shouldn't matter. As if I am foolish to find you as important to me as you are. I can't help it though. Nor am I embarassed, because I can't control how I feel can I?

It's true you're not my entire life nor will you ever be. You're just a part of it. But you're such a lovely and happy part of it. There is just nobody else like you.

I believe in you and I have faith in you generally as a person because you're just wonderful you really are. And sometimes I think you'll sort it out and everything will be fine and I won't have to cut you off, I won't have to go. But then reality hits home. And you say things to me like ' i don't even want to mention what else you might be saving up for' when you know it is for me to move away.

It's as if as long as you don't mention it, it won't happen. And I know this is how you're going to keep treating this. And it breaks my heart. Because I wish I was worth more than that.

So I know you are settling into acceptance of the fact that I'm leaving like a comfortable pair of slippers. As I suppose, am I.

I love you and I always will. I won't stop just because we're out of each others lives. I just won't stop. That is what I am afraid of.

My heart is in bits constantly, because I know the outcome of this.

It is like something dying inside me already.

Those cuddles and kisses of today. I will remember them always.

I can't say it enough. Or with enough tenacity or impact. But please don't let me go.

'It's such a shame for us to part'.

Please

Watching that video reminded me of the other I watch all the time. Excuse the vomit worthy arrogance involved on account of the next song being called 'Candy' and it being full of nice things about someone called Candy. That isn't really the point.

The point is, the message the song gives whether your name is Candy or not. And yes I do feel like that girl when she falls over. Hehehe although my character and personality does not allow me to stay sitting on the floor.

I listen to this on my ipod every day on the way home from work. Hearing the song whilst I carry out that same walk every day, reminds me of where I was a year ago and how far I have come to be even walking home instead of getting on the bus WITH HIM. YES WITH HIM because he would make sure he was on the same bus with me. I mean for goodness sakes. But anyway yes, I feel proud when I hear this because it is representative of the steps I have taken to dig myself out of a situation where I didn't want to live, and getting myself into a situation where I want nothing more.

Ash - Candy. Enjoi.

Every time I hear the song ' How Soon Is Now? ' by The Smiths I think about her and her stupid fucking mouth telling you what to do, and that every little thing you do is wrong. God it makes me angry.

Also when I hear the song 'Alma Matters' by Morrissey, moreover when I watch the video on youtube as I do once a day. The song comforts me.

' To someone, somewhere...alma matters in heart body and soul, in part and in whole '

Alma is the spanish word for Soul and in latin relates loosely to education and learning.

At weekends I feel grudging at the vulgar display of soulessness to which you will almost certainly bear witness.

That song is quite un-morrissey as it goes and that is for some odd reason why I like it. It's uplifting. It makes you want to approach these nasty horrible people and kick them right between the eyes.

I used to think about it every time I was told I was 'a cow' for spending time on my own. When I was told I was an ugly person for having interests and friends and hobbies and lonesome pursuits. I suppose that is why it makes me think of you now.

MORRISSEY - Alma Matters

And if you read this, and I don't think you do. But if you do, I would urge you to watch it when you're thinking about just blindly accepting someone else taking control of your life. It's yours and yours alone. I promise you. This will remind you.

I had a whole set of video's and songs I would listen to and I suppose it's different for everyone. But it really helped me to take my life back.

I find it very difficult not to be angry at weekends. Not because I don't see you, I've told you I could never spend every last minute with anyone. But I know she's there and the sort of things she is probably saying to you and doing. Pretending her life is empty without you whilst sucking the life out of everyone else. She is already empty whether you are in her life or not. Oh and being a simultaneous asshole. That too.

'So the choice I have made may seem strange to you. But, who asked you anyway?'

However angry I get, it is never directly at you. I could never be.

I hope I am helping you, and hope is all I've got. Please believe me that I do none of this for selfish reasons. I want so desperately for you to be happy. I really do. I'm not sure how to articulate that quite correctly. But god, I really do.

Pearson.x

Yeah so I nap basically all day on a Sunday then sit around eating Ben and Jerry's 'Phish Food' ice cream whilst playing Tekken 5: DR Online as you do. And I notice something. SOMETHING VERY UNSAVOURY INDEED!

On the description for said ice cream it says it contains ' chocolatey shaped fish'.

That should be FISHY SHAPED CHOCOLATE. I mean what they're talking about is a real fish in a sort of funny rectangle shape isn't it?

They're nice little fishy wishes anyway though.

And now that I'm not smoking or playing games or drinking fanta asthough I've just eaten 27 crackers without a drink, I find myself thinking of you again.

I must sound like such a loon. Hehehe. It happens all the time. I can be on my own or mincing about town with my mates or on the train or anywhere, and you're there on my mind.

I hope it doesn't make you think I'm a crazed stalker type or that I think about you too much or that I'll end up being all clingy and mental like SOME people. I won't. But I like it that you're always there in my mind. I'll be making myself a brew and I'll just suddenly think you some cuddles and hope that you're ok and smile to myself. Hehehe.

I swear I'm not mad, just in love with you.

I hope you're ok right now. I always worry about you at weekends because I know you're probably having the life squeezed out of you by someone you don't want to be around. But I kind of just try to think you positive stuff, strength and courage and all the cuddles I've got.

I dunno I always think it scares you off that I say I love you. I say it because I do. But to me I suppose it isn't about being around someone all the time or being uptight about it or making sure you're in each others faces and stopping them doing anything.

I love you unconditionally, there are no rules or regulations or anything like that. It just means that I'm always hoping hard for you to be happy and free, and I would do anything in my power to give you those things, or help you get them yourself.

It just doesn't matter what you say or do or even if you decided you didn't want anything to do with me. I'd never argue with your decision. When someone feels that way you've got to respect it and just go. And I would.

But I just want all the best things for you in life whatever that entails. I don't need to be in your face all the time to be able to wish for that for you.

Take it easy and try and rest your head, stuff will be ok one day.